I am waiting for tears to come, but they just won’t. Then, I realized I didn’t really love him. And I knew all along I never did. It was just a lie I kept telling myself everyday. I thought: maybe if I do this, then I eventually will? But love doesn’t work that way. And I realize now that real love is so rare. That love I felt when I was eighteen… I fear sometimes that I never will feel that way again. It was beautiful, but it was also so utterly painful. And that’s when you know it’s authentic.
I realized that my most recent relationship is so shallow. There was nothing more than physical attraction and few laughs. He liked my face, and I liked his muscles. From the get-go, it has always been lust, as shameful as it sounds. We had fun, but there was just something … missing. There was no passion. No fireworks when we kissed. No butterflies in my stomach. My life was nothing more than a C-list chick flick. It would probably have gotten 9% on Rotten Tomatoes.
And then… all those fights about my passion for human rights. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t comprehend why it was important to me that he saw me as an equal. He never understood why racism is harmful, and why it should be eliminated from society. I knew right then it wouldn’t work out. I couldn’t marry someone who thinks I am going to be a maid in the future just because I’m Filipino. I couldn’t marry someone whose world revolves around his BMW — whose only problem is that $9,000 dollar exhaust he’s going to get to make his car “sound better”. I just can’t. And lastly, I will never marry someone who doesn’t believe in me. That shit is important. I am phenomenal. And if you don’t think so. Bye.
In many ways, when he called me on the phone that afternoon to say goodbye, he did me a favour. I really wish him well, and I hope he finds a girl who is okay with his materialistic ways and will take good care of him. And I hope I find someone who understands why I feel so strongly about human rights and equality. It’s not a joke, and it never will be.
You know when people tell you that two people with conflicting world views can never be together? Well, that is very true. So, be careful, person who reads this.Thursday July 24th // Filed under: personal, relationships, life,
Tuesday July 22nd //
being heartbroken is a strange, desperate feeling. my friend described it as this: when you end a relationship, you’re left with all these free-wheeling touchy feelies that you don’t know where to direct since they were all just wrapped around one person. you’re going to have to get used to the idea that for a while, you’re going to be running around with all these tender spots. as if your body is an exposed bone. very vulnerable to sunlight. very vulnerable to touch. to wind. to all of it. after i broke up with my last boy-person, for a couple of weeks i felt my body like a little pond. every once in a while a feeling rises to surface for air. a leaf would fall on me and my entire body would ripple. imagine the damage that skipping rocks did. every once in a while something would happen that would wreak havoc on my emotions. a small bird flew to my window one morning and i couldn’t open it up to give the little blue jay some bread. & as if it were feeding time at a fucking koi pond, all the fish flit with their sharp fins to the surface and i was just a watery, sloshy mess of person. the mirage of calm water broke and all of a sudden i was laying on my couch with my face pressed into the cushions’ butt crack with a blanket over my face because i couldn’t take anything at all. i don’t know about you, but when grief comes into my life it brings all of its friends with it. i’m a happy person until i am a mourning widow. the dead husband being nineteen years of existing.
in other words, a bird made me cry.
yo. heartbreak is hard, and you’re talking to someone who gets a kick out of letting herself feel all of the diddly-doos and drops of life. let yourself feel through it. don’t suppress your sadness, your loneliness. learn from it. try to understand that wild creature, those dark horses that are running through you unbridled. let yourself feel through every low so that you can reach the high, and vice versa. be sad, and be okay with being sad over someone, because there will be a moment where you will be walking down the street in a few days or a few weeks, and you’ll see petals strewn underneath all the trees on the sidewalk, and the air will feel like a sweet mouth against your mouth, and you’ll find yourself suddenly grinning with your arms open, and all of your touchy-feelies have returned back to your body, and you will have gained yourself back - after however long you did not belong to yourself - and you’ll realize that you’re whole again, that you’re you again, and that is a breath that will mean so much when it comes.
He said he doesn’t love me anymore. And I think that’s fine.Monday July 21st //